Me vs. My Chaos Gremlin: ADHD & Self-Sabotage

I’m going to be real with you. This one’s about the ugly side of ADHD and some good old-fashioned self-sabotage. The kind that makes you feel like you’re watching yourself knock over the Jenga tower in slow motion and thinking, “Why are you like this?” while it crashes.

I’ve always been a pro at self-sabotage. I’m not entirely sure where it comes from. Maybe my abandonment issues. Maybe thinking I’m not good enough. Maybe thinking I’m just too much. It’s hard to tell. What I do know is that living with ADHD feels like sharing a brain with a chaos gremlin whose full-time job is to mess things up.

Sometimes I think blaming the gremlin is just me avoiding accountability. I’m human. So sue me. But the truth is, there are days when I accidentally hand the wheel to the wrong part of my brain and watch it take off. I say things I don’t mean. I react from hurt instead of pausing. And I still haven’t mastered the art of walking away before I drop a sentence I can’t take back.

It’s surreal, watching yourself self-destruct. Part of me is inside my head screaming, “Noooo! Stop! What are you doing?!” while the other part plows forward anyway. And then, when the dust settles, I’m the one left standing in the wreckage thinking, “Well, you did this. You have no one to blame but yourself.” And in a way, that’s true.

I know this post isn’t flattering. It’s not the shiny, curated version of me. But if it helps even one person feel less alone, then it’s worth it. Because the truth is, a lot of us didn’t ask for our brains to be this way. Sometimes it’s trauma. Sometimes it’s an unhealed inner child. Sometimes it’s just how we’re wired. There are a thousand reasons why we self-sabotage, but none of them mean we’re undeserving of love.

If you’re like me, please hear this: you are not alone. You are not broken. And maybe, just maybe, someone will see past the chaos gremlin someday and let you in anyway. I have to believe that. We have to believe that. Because if we don’t, what chance do we have?

© Dereck Pritchard, 2025. All Rights Reserved. Okay to share in full with clear credit to the author. Partial excerpts require written permission.